September 28, 2022

Surprising Things Your Health Insurance Will Not Cover

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In the American healthcare system, it’s probably best to expect to pay out of pocket for 100% of your medical procedures. Here are several surprising things that your health insurance absolutely will not cover.

Cancer Implantation

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While most cancer treatments are at least partially covered, surgery to graft a tumor to one or more organs will almost always be out of pocket.

Lightning Injuries

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Insurance companies firmly believe that they cannot and shall not undo God’s will.

Third Trip To ER After Putting Genitals In A Mouse Trap

Third Trip To ER After Putting Genitals In A Mouse Trap

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Okay, actually, the insurance company has a point here.

Cybernetic Weapon Enhancements

Cybernetic Weapon Enhancements

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Most insurance companies won’t cover a bionic flamethrower limb attachment unless deemed a medical necessity by your primary provider.

Adding Nipples Where They Don’t Belong

Adding Nipples Where They Don’t Belong

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No harm in asking them repeatedly to cover it.

Trips To The Cape

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Nothing soothes the weary soul like an escape to the southeastern corner of mainland Massachusetts, but alas, such expenses will need to be paid out of pocket.

A Subscription To Highlights Magazine

A Subscription To Highlights Magazine

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It’s free to read in the waiting room but if you want to enjoy it in the comfort of your own home, it’s going to cost you.

A Gun

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Contrary to popular opinion, guns are not healthcare.

Johnny Knoxville Driving An ATV Into Your Asshole

Johnny Knoxville Driving An ATV Into Your Asshole

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Liability for all injuries sustained by members of the Jackass crew lies with Dick House Productions.

Taxidermy Tumors

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Commemorating your noble battle against cancer can cost thousands, and you can’t count on your insurance to assist you.

The Birth Of Satan’s Son

The Birth Of Satan’s Son

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Insurance companies are required to cover fertility tests, pregnancy, and childbirth, but this coverage does not apply to those who were impregnated with Satan’s seed.

Soup

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Even though a great big bowl of Nana’s chicken noodle is what you need, insurance will not cover the out-of-pocket cost of $13,988.27.

The Psychic Who Warned You Of A Grave And Mysterious Illness That Will Decimate Your Future

The Psychic Who Warned You Of A Grave And Mysterious Illness That Will Decimate Your Future

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Specialists are out of network.

Ugly Cream

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Think how beautiful you would be if only insurance would cover this lotion that rubs the ugly away.

Fertility Treatments

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Even those few states that do mandate fertility treatment coverage require a meeting with a counselor who will shame you for putting off kids until you are in your 40s.

The Second Twin

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The second of the two babies to emerge from their mother is considered an out-of-network expense and must be paid for in cash.

Mark Of The Beast Removal

Mark Of The Beast Removal

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It may be the only way to redeem the soul of your innocent child, but it’s still considered a purely cosmetic procedure.

Rides Inside Of The Ambulance

Rides Inside Of The Ambulance

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Many people are relegated to riding on the roof, in which case your insurance will likely pay half.

Hiccup Removal

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Most insurance companies will try to give you some excuse for why they won’t cover the procedure like, “It doesn’t exist.”

Dental

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They pay for the bones on the inside. Outside Bones? That’s your problem.

Pancreatic Cancer

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Health insurance companies don’t really feel like covering this anymore.

Doctors Visits

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The bedrock of medical care in most advanced nations, most insurances only cover the fees for waiting in the waiting room of the doctors office.

https://www.theonion.com/surprising-things-your-health-insurance-will-not-cover-1848740264